Day 13

If I had been doing this more frequently (the blogging, I mean), it wouldn't have been any more interesting. Since recovering from the flu bug/ migraine nightmare, I've been feeling generally under the weather and rather grumpy. I had assumed that this would wear off, but it isn't. I actually seem to be getting rather more grumpy with every day that passes. I'm now at the point where nothing seems to be worth doing, but I then get to the end of the day having done nothing and feel guilty about going to sleep. So often I don't. Then I feel even more crap and grumpy the following day because I've spent half the night either listening to the husband snoring, or wandering around doing sudokus or the ironing.

There are a number of possible explanations for this. Lack of chocolate is admittedly one of them. Depression is another - although I do believe that even that might be tracked back to the lack of chocolate. The fact that it's been winter for a long time, that I no longer have a job, and have no idea what I'm going to do with the next week, let alone the rest of my life, might also have something to do with it.

Yesterday I started thinking about who I wished I was; coming back to the comment from a couple of weeks ago about chocolate possibly not being the real problem. I didn't come to any firm conclusions - it was more that I couldn't come up with anything which seemed even vaguely appealing rather than struggling to choose between competing impossibilities - apart from the fact that I would be thinner, and I would eat chocolate. Not huge, angry quantities of it, but small, elegant amounts, maybe a couple of times a day at the end of meals. Sometimes a truffle, sometimes a mint. Never a frantic scramble to the end of the packet. And absolutely no guilt about it all.

Then I decided to do some sudokus instead, working on the assumption that one would soon go wrong (I've been very slapdash in my sudokuing of late). Except they didn't. I did something in the region of 20 Times fiendish sudokus yesterday afternoon/ evening, and none of them went wrong. Which then became another reason for not having achieved anything.

I'm wondering if I should try eating chocolate again to see if it improves my state of health and mind. Sugar as a substitute just doesn't work. I know this because I have repeatedly tried that experiment - not just the fudge last week, but there was a bag of Percy Pigs yesterday, and a packet of Jammy Dodgers this afternoon, neither of which seem to have helped to lift the fog. But I'm not sure if I'm just making excuses.